What’s the Worst Movie You’ve Ever Seen?
I spent a good portion of my Labor Day in front of the TV, and since there wasn’t enough baseball on I was “inspired” to get caught up on some truly terrible movies that had somehow passed me by. Thank you, SyFy Channel, for always being there to provide plenty of groans and head shakes.
Every now and then you get into the mood for a B movie. At least, I do. It had been a while since I’d watched one, and yesterday seemed like the perfect opportunity for mindless entertainment when I saw that the cable channel was showing a shark-themed movie marathon.
First up was ‘Sharktopus.’ A movie about a creature with the head and body of a great white shark and a back end of tentacles. Sharktopus was a swift mover and very hungry. The ‘neat’ thing about the sharktopus was that it moved about on land nearly as well as at sea, which is impressive since neither a shark or an octopus can pull that off. Put the two together though and voila! It was truly horrible, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to see the whole movie because a couple hours of work got in the way.
Next was ‘Ghost Shark.’ It’s a ghost… it’s a shark… it’s the ghost of a shark and it’s in your swimming pool! Needless to say the pool party really took a dive. (See what I did there? You’re welcome.) It was worse than ‘Sharktopus.’
I was about to call it a day of B movie exhilaration, but then came ‘Sharknado.’ Seriously? A tornado that’s full of sharks?! Brilliant!… and by brilliant I mean not brilliant… but I had to check it out.
‘Sharknado’ starred Tara Reid. You remember her. She used to have a somewhat legitimate movie career in things like ‘The Big Lebowski,’ ‘Van Wilder,’ and ‘American Pie 2.’ OK so she was never an Oscar winner but she wasn’t terrible. She had a pretty popular stint on the TV series ‘Scrubs.’ That’s something.
You can guess from the title what ‘Sharknado’ was about. I did learn some very intriguing things from it, however. For instance…
1. When it’s on land you can easily knock a one ton shark a good 6 feet with one whack from a bar stool.
2. If a particularly assertive shark winds up in the bar you’re drinking in and comes after you, a simple pool cue will easily penetrate it’s head and kill it.
3. A shark can fall hundreds of feet to earth, out of a tornado, and be completely fine when it slams to the pavement. This would normally kill a man. However if this happens just remember a bar stool comes in handy.
4. A shark that is easily as wide as a truck can still fit easily through a manhole in the street as it’s exploding out to attack you from under ground.
These are just a handful of important safety tips that may come in useful if you ever find yourself faced with a real life Sharknado. Tread carefully, even in 6 inches of water… you just never know.
Tonight I may take in ‘Two Headed Shark Attack.’ I hear it stars Hulk Hogans daughter. My expectations are already through the roof.
As a whole body of work I give the shark-themed marathon on SyFy the award for the worst movie(s) I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to beat ‘Caddyshack II’ though.