Here are 5 Ways to Have a Spectacular Midlife Crisis in Missouri

I don't want to giveaway my exact age, but let's just say that I am way overdue to begin my midlife crisis. It's a good thing I live in Missouri because there are no better states I can think of to begin a middle of life meltdown.

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Before I begin my midlife crisis, let's define exactly what that is. Help Guide.org says it "takes place approximately between the ages of 40 and 60, give or take a few years. One common belief about this stage of life is that you should expect to face inner turmoil about your identity, life choices, and mortality". Sounds about right. I am in between those ages, so let's begin.

If you're gonna have a crisis, it's best done in a canoe or kayak I say. Missouri is one of the best states in America when you feel like you've reached a point in your life where you need to reenact the worst scenes of "Deliverance". The Missouri float trip options are immense. 

Nothing screams "I'm about to come unraveled!' quite like buying a muscle car you don't need and that can be done easily in Missouri where you can also cruise it down the Ozark Scenic Byway. It's a win-win for guys my age.

Forget about adult responsibility and get a condo overlooking Lake of the Ozarks. There are plenty available for guys like me having a breakdown.

There's no more "Thelma and Louise" way to signal that you're having a midlife crisis in Missouri than this. The fact that it's highly illegal and dangerous means you should never even think about it. The National Park Service won't care if you're trying to do something iconic. Seriously. Don't do this. It's a joke. 

People are always complaining about California people fleeing the state and trying to make our state more like theirs. For a midlife crisis, turn the tables and move to the Golden State and start asking where the cow pie throwing events are. Spitting into spittoons in public also encouraged.