Five Fictional Quarterbacks The Bears Should Sign
Jay Cutler has been officially released by the Chicago Bears. It shouldn't come as a surprise, considering he has a nine minute highlight reel of interceptions. And that's just to the Green Bay Packers. There are 30 other other teams he's thrown to. But since we don't have four and a half hours to sit through all of them, here are five quarterbacks who don't even exist that would be better options for the Bears than had they held on to Cutler for one more season. Full disclosure: I'm a Packer fan.
5 - A.C. Slater
Listen... I know that's a picture of him playing baseball. And I know he only played football in high school, then went to college on a wrestling scholarship, so he probably hasn't picked up a pigskin in any sort of official capacity since. But let's not forget in Season 4, Episode 2, when Zack becomes principal and Kelly becomes a history teacher, all the football players skip out on a test, so in order to make it up, they have to take it and pass during the football game. AC Slater not only passes the test, but enters the game after the half, a game Bayside is losing, by the way, and they pull out a miraculous come-from-behind victory. That's who the Bears need calling the plays on the field. Someone who can get that done.
4 - Becky "Icebox" O'Shea
Sure, Junior Floyd led the rag-tag group of nerds and misfits and GASP a girl to defeat the monstrous, roided up official town team. And sure, he taught Hands how to catch. Hands couldn't catch a football. He could only catch toilet paper. Junior Floyd told him to always imagine toilet paper, and he'd be good. But it was Becky "Icebox" O'Shea that finally threw the football that actually connected with Hands and won the game. Junior got taken out after a rough hit. Becky's a clutch player.
3 - Shane Falco
Shane Falco almost won the Sugar Bowl for Ohio State, but he blew out his knee. Ohio State is a tough football program, and so is the Big 10. Then he came back as a scab player while the pros were out on strike, and took the Washington Senators all the way to the post-season. He even won the clinching game, much like both Slater and Icebox, after sitting out the first half. Slater. Icebox. Falco. All clutch players. They're who you need to turn your program around. And he won't say anything classy or inspirational... it's just not his style.
2 - Jonathan "Mox" Moxon
Much like Falco, he became the starting QB late in the season due to unfortunate circumstances. And Mox is a thinking man's QB. Everybody's playing whack-a-mole, he's playing chess. He's great at clock management, he can rock a no-huddle offense, and more so, he really cares about his team. He wants them to succeed as much as anyone. That's the kind of team leader the Bears need.
1 - Uncle Rico
For sheer throwing power, you can't beat Uncle Rico. He could throw a football over them mountains. I bet he could, anyway. If coach had put him in 4th quarter, they'd have been state champs, and Uncle Rico could have gone pro. Now's your chance, Bears. Put Uncle Rico in.